Just Shattered

i've been shattered with all of things that happened to me, i don't know what to do. although i want to quit from my job, my mum ask me to stay, it been so hard lately, too much pappers, to much emotions, to much bad feeling around me, and too much bad things happened to me. My GM keep ask me to do a lot of works which i can't handle, i could handle them actually, But all the works he gave to me, till when i haven't finished do the first job, he gave me another, and gave me others else. i'm sick of this. when i tell my mum about this, she told me to be patient, she told me to have positive thinking. sometimes i want to cry, i want to cry with this position, i cant handle my feeling here. last night i woke up at 3 and i've got terrible stomachache. i dont wanna go to bathroom, it just feel so horrible like im going to die.
i know i cant say that my job is bad, although it is bad. i have big responsibility, but all of these thing are not my desk job. when i enter this company, my boss say that my desk job is as marketing, and im a marketing, but now, i take, no, the GM gave me all of the fucking papers for me. its just tiring. i don't do my job but i have to take a big responsibility of it. my job is as marketing, and marketing is about looking for project and make it realization and thats it! no more and no less.
Patient, although my my mum always asked me o be patient, but its not an easy thing to do! it's not just to be patient and its over.. i hate these things.
sometimes i think that God gives me this work coz He has a plan for me, good plan for me, but when i think about it again, what is good thing that will happened to me in this office. its like a cage for me, and i just like a dove in the cage, can do nothing but stay, and when my master give me foods, i have to eat them to survive.

Day to day become annoying

Bukannya aku suka mengeluh, bukannya aku suka menuntut, tapi aku sudah tidak bisa menahan semua ini. Ketidakadilan menurutku, penindasan secara halus, aku tidak suka pada semua ini. Aku ingin keluar, aku tak ingin bertahan di sini.Lelah sudah aku menahan semua rasa sakit ini, lelah sudah aku bersikap manis di depan mereka. Mereka- mereka yng bersikap lembut namun menindas. Hari ini adalah hari ketika dendam memuncak di dadaku. Aku benci untuk mengakuinya namun akupun benci untuk menutup mulut atas ketidak adilan. Aku mengatakan ini ketidak adilan, karena aku selalu melaksanakan kewajibanku, namun ketika aku ingin dan perlu mendapatkan hak ku, aku di persulit. Adailkah semua itu? aku sudah tak sanggup menahan semua ini, air mataku pun telah menetes karena kesal. Aku tidak sedih dengan semua ini. Aku kesal! Kesal karena aku tak bisa berbuat apapun. Kesal karena aku harus mengikuti arus yang bahkan tidak aku sukai, Kesal karena aku hanya bisa diam tanpa melawan.
Aku tak tau harus mengatakan pada siapa, aku tak tau harus menceritakan pada siapa. Aku bukannya jahat, aku bukannya tidak loyal, Namun aku lelah karena hakku selalu di tindas! Saat pertama kali aku menginjakkan kakiku di sini, yang aku tahu adalah aku datang pukul 8 pagi dan pulang pukul 4 sore. Tapi apa kenyataannya? pulangkah aku jam 4 sore? jawaannya adalah TIDAK. tidak sama sekali. Tak pernah sekalipun aku pulang dengan senyuman pukul 4 sore. minimal pulang jam 6 iya!! aku kira manager baru adalah kunci kesuksesan, peduli pada karyawan, sayang pada karyawan, Tapi manager baru adalah peninddas!
Setiap hari aku memandang kalender, mengintai jam dinding, menghitung tiap detik berlalu. Pada saatnya nanti aku akan keluar dari sangkar ini. Sangkar yang mengikatku dengan rantai yang tak terlihat, mengikat rasa bahagiaku di sini, mengikat cita citaku yang tinggi. Setinggi bintang di angkasa.

Untitle

Hidup itu tak selamanya indah. ada kalanya masalah datang dan pergi, namun ada saat dimana kebahagiaan yang tak bisa terbendung meluap keluar. aku adalah manusia biasa. bersosialisasi, berteman, mempunyai musuh, semuanya normal layaknya orang lain. aku bertahan di dunia yang keras ini. tapi ada saat dimana aku lelah untuk bertahan, dan aku ingin keluar dari perangkap hidup ini. apa keinginanku? kadang aku berfikir apa yang ingin benar benar aku lakukan didunia ini. kadang aku ingin bergerak, namun kakinku seakan terpaku dan tak bisa melangkah. aku lemah. aku tak miliki kekuatan. ak lelah pada dunia ini. terlalu banyak orang yang munafik, terlalu banyak ketidak adilan, terlalu banyak permainan. aku tau hidup ini bagai panggung sandiwara, namun aku tak pernah tau bahwa setiap orang memainkan peran mereka dengan baik. Tidak ada dari mereka yang tulus, semuanya punya keinginan, semuanya punya hasrat, dan mereka menghalalkan segala cara untuk mendapatkannya. harta, kedudukan, kehormatan. mereka tak pernah memandang orang lain dengan pengelihatan yang positif. hanya ada keburukan keburukan dalam mata mereka. Hanya ada kata "menjatuhkan" dalam benak mereka. tidak ada kata " kerjasama, kerja keras,persahabatan" mereka saling sikut untuk mendapatkan apa yang mereka inginkan, dari sini aku sadar, bahwa dunia ini kotor dan aku pun harus bersandiwara. Aku perlu atau malah harus memainkan peranku di panggung ini. Namun aku tak akan selamanya berdiri di panggung ini. Pada saatnya aku akan turun, aku akan mundur dan kembali pada diriku yang semula. meraih apa yang aku inginkan, melakukan apapun yang aku inginkan.

Tuhan, beri aku umur panjang. beri aku banyak keberuntungan. aku ingin buktikan pada mereka yang memandangku dengan sebelah mata. tunjukkan bahwa aku mampu, tunjukkan bahwa aku bisa, tunjukkan bahwa aku lebih dari mereka, tunjukkan bahwa mereka bukan apa apa bagiku, tunjukkan aku tak butuh mereka dan mereka yang membutuhkanku. tunjukkan pada mereka yang merendahkan aku karena penampilanku, tunjukkan pada mereka yang menganggap aku bodoh, tunjukkan pada mereka yang menganngap aku kejam, tunjukkan pada mereka siapa diriku, seperti apa aku. Tunjukkan pada mereka bahwa mereka menyesal telah berbuat seperti ini padaku.

Tuhan, Kau tau siapa aku, Kau tau bagaimana aku, Kau tau apa keinginanku. aku mohon bantulah aku, bantulah aku untuk menjalani hidup yang keras ini, bantulah aku untuk menjalani hidup yang kejam ini. Berikanlah aku peran yang penting dalam panggung ini. Agar aku bisa berdiri tegak, Agar aku bisa menjalani hidup ini dengan baik tanpa ada penyesalan, Agar aku bahagia menjalani hidup ini.  Bantulah aku mewujudkan semua impianku. impian-impianku. karena Kau jauh lebih mengenalku di banding siapapun.

something just happened

Last night, i read an article entitle "12 signs you need resign from your job" . well, at first i think its silly, Gee ever said to me that sometimes he feel boring with his job, but because of he earn good money of it, then he stays. and i take the good point from gee's statement, that i earn good money here so i should stay, although i  dont like this place though.well, i'll try to stay,
and yeah btw yesterday (actually i wrote this post yesterday but it delayed to today) yesterday 2 of my works mate are resign, i have no idea they're resign or got dumped but, i'm regret for them, and there's a rumor that one of them quit because of me,, hey wait! what the hell is it? because of me, i event dont know what i did, Well, and someone say that the GM spoke for me, fight for me, i have no idea of that.
in fact that the office more quiet than before, oh i dont know.
i hope i win the scholarship this year and i just get out of here,, being much dizzy of all the craziest thing here, too complicated, uncomfortable mates, crazy works time (well, i'm not workaholic) and so on, so,, just stay and wait. wish me luck!

-end-

huaaaaa

see i wrote that a man that i like in office doesnt like me, he'll go to papuma beach without me,, huaaa.. coz next week i'll going to semarang, its annoying!i though he just joke around me, but its really happened. he will go there.. hiks hiks..
its not about him actually, but its because i want to see the beach, beach with white sands..
i wanna cry really, i dont wanna back to semarang, i dont wanna see my dentist,, i wanna go with him to the beach,,,!! huaaaaa

my day today

today is a bad day for me, i dont know why, but i really dont want to do everything before me. im not concentrate to my job, n do a lot of mistakes. i have really bad mood today,, arrghh, even i dont know what should i type,

Ah i was create 2 poets, although i know that they weird or even absurd, well yeah,

i want to move..
i want to be free
i dont like to be here
i'm boring like pathetic

i have a dream,
my others say that i just a dreamer,
a dreamer without a dream
nothing to do to make a dream come true

i'm just an ordinary woman,
who get shattered with this situation
i just want to get out of this cage
and spread my wings in the air

i just a stupid woman
who sit on the stupid rule
i just a roboot
who always do whatever others say

i want to be free
spread my wings high
i want to get out of my cage
which makes my wings sore

what should i do?
i say it silly
whta will i do?
i say it crazy

i will just live
to what i am now
continue this life
and hope my dreams come true...




there's another one..
tell about a man that i like, but i know what he about me

there's something different on you
i have no idea whether i see you different
or no one see your difference
but your difference is good on you

its not a big deal for me
coz i know what will going on
moreover, i'll do what i did
nothing different, nothing changing

i'll see the time
and see my fate
will you be mine?
or you 'll be anothers

its my story not yours
its my life not yours
so thats why i'll make a line
i started, and i'll finish it...

day to day

its been 5 months i worked here, keep in touch with all of my friends and become a same girl as was. when i memorized to 5 months ago, the first thing i saw when i entered this company's door was him, i was seeing him and so was i. im curiuos about him, n soon we become close, go out together, although it was with some of my friends, but its good enough i think.
today is March 5th, 2014. about 4 days ago, i heard that he will continue his study to one of a institute in this city. actually i was bit shocked, i didn't have any idea. and it was completely came in sudden. in the other hand i want to try to get scholarship to australia, and i dont tell anybody about this. no one know in this office about my planing. at first i didnt sure about my plan because of him, coz its fun being in the office with him, although there's no special thing with him, but i just enjoy it. but when i heard about his plan to go to institute, at same time, i want to move too. aarrghh its so annoying. of course if i accepted there.
ah and one thing, he's 3 years younger than me. lol, its funny, but yeah, its right.its my first time also to fall with a boy much younger than me

well i'll continue tomorrow, its goin dark now.